Wednesday, July 6, 2011

The kids of Shallowgulch One Room Schoolhouse. (and what befell them)

a: Passed away at the age of 61 from a diet rich in bacon and eggs.

b: Fell out of her home’s second story window only moments after realizing the window ledge on which she’d been relaxing was much narrower than she’d remembered.

c: Believed afternoon naps were much more pleasant when accompanied with a cigarette.

d: Drowned in a swimming hole days after picture was taken. (This photograph was the first one ‘d’ ever appeared in.  Unfortunately it was also his last.)

e: Still alive. Living in a retirement home in Modesto California. Is both deaf and blind.  Can’t remember the names of her children.  (Or that she even has any) Relives her 9th birthday every morning from about 10:30 until noon. (that’s when sandwiches and juice are served)

f: Shot to death by police during botched bank robbery attempt.

g: Drowned to death. (was very fond of ‘drinkies in the pool’)

h: Lived twenty years under power lines. Succumbed to brain cancer in the spring of 1952.

i: Survived 5 strokes. Wasn’t so lucky with number 6. (nicknamed ‘Rasputin’)

j: smallpox

k: smallpox

l: smallpox

m: trampled to death by herd of cows. (never underestimate the speed of a startled bovine)

n: stabbed to death by jealous husband.

o: smallpox

p: stepped on a German mine (last words happened to be, “I’d hate to step on a mine”)

q:killed by German sniper during Great War.

r: Rabies. (never pick up a possum. No matter how cuddly they might appear)

s: smallpox

t: ‘Accidentally’ stabbed in the eye with a pen nib. (Never argue with an angry calligrapher)

u: smallpox

v: Throat cancer. (might have been the cigars.  Could have been the pipe)

x: hung self from rafter in barn after smothering neighbor with goose down pillow. (Family still not sure if instances were related.)

y: smallpox

z: Heart gave out while reading obituary section of the newspaper. (twenty-five years later and he’s still the butt of jokes around the family dinner table)

1: Passenger on the Hindenburg. (“Hey, I got the window seat!”)

2: Struck by bus.  (Always cross at crosswalks, and never race traffic.  Especially if you’re blessed with arthritic knees and can’t get around without a cane)

3: Drowned to death in toilet bowl.

4: Got up from the dinner table one day, walked out the front door, and was never heard from again.

5: Drowned while fishing.

6: smallpox

7: Mauled to death by pack of vicious Springer Spaniels.

8: Shot to death. (by #9 in the picture)

9: Electric Chair.

10: Poisoned by grandchildren.  (if you happen to be fabulously wealthy, make sure you don’t have kids)

11: Invented Cold Fusion.  Died on way to patent office after anvil mysteriously fell on his head.

12: shot by Germans.  (during vacation in Scotland in 1958 )

13: Lung Cancer. ( “This asbestos is swell.  I’m glad I have a job where I actually get to work with the stuff!”)

14: Heart attack.

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