Wednesday, June 29, 2011

An Hilarious Scarecrow Cartoon

I like scarecrows.  It’s hard to put my finger on why, exactly.  Maybe it has something to do with the whole ‘artificial man’ thing.  You know, like robots and mannequins. Whatever the reason, every now and then I feel compelled to draw them. And maybe throw in some crows for good measure.

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Meet the Fiends Living in my Sock Drawer

Lucas’ sole purpose in life is to inhale chips. Something he does very well, I might add. Seriously, in like one night, he can empty three of those giant bags of Doritoes you find at Costco. So looking at it through that particular lens, (living according to one’s purpose) Lucas is perhaps the most fully realized person in the whole of North America. He is also very lazy, leaving empty chip bags throughout my sock drawer.

Monday, June 27, 2011

The Mistakes

Today’s entry is an experiment.  You see I’m going to attempt to write without correcting any mistakes I might make.  That includes rewording sentences and paragraphs I’m not particularly happy with.

I won’t call it one of those free flowing exercises a person uses to see if a meddling energy is nearby. (although I know you’re out there, you sneaky bastards!)  What’s that called again?  Automatic writing?  I’ve a funny story about automatic writing: 

I had a friend in high school that was into “extrasensory type things” and one morning he attempted automatic writing while skipping class in the school library.  He cleared his mind of the day’s happenings, held his pen loosely between his thumb and index finger and proceeded to scribble “Fuck You” all over his notebook.  He swears it was the work of some kind of ghost.  I just think he had a lot of pent up anger.

Getting back to what I was saying: I’m trying this thing where I just write whatever comes to me without worrying about the mistakes I make. (real or imagined)

Normally I give myself no more than half-an-hour to bang out an entry. Usually I manage on less, but there are the nights where an hour seems far too short (Don’t ask what happens if I don’t make it under the self-imposed time limit as I seem to be bit lax when it comes to doling out repercussions.)

I have to say, things seem to be progressing at a comfortable pace; words are just strolling out onto the screen rather than stumbling like they usually do. And the most amazing part to this whole experiment is the apparent lack of spelling mistakes! 

Could it be the freedom of ignoring mistakes has kept me from making them?  Or could it be as simple as the opening paragraph to this entry was a lie?

Sunday, June 26, 2011

Lyricists and Ear Infections

I like to imagine lyrics for songs.

It’s a shame I’m tone deaf, what with having all these wonderful words floating in my head, but no music to set them to.  I think it all stems back to that flu I had when I was eight years old.
Or was I nine?
Until then, I possessed what could be called ‘perfect pitch’.  Loosely termed, of course, but perfect nonetheless: call out nearly any note and I could hum it to within a semitone or two, but thanks to a nagging ear infection, all of that musical ability somehow floated out the window. 

It was almost as disappointing as that time I lost all my math skills to a nasty sinus infection, and not to mention painful.  I’m telling you, it felt as though a rather large person had kicked a hole through my tympanum using a pair of steel-toed boots.

Tympanum is Latin for ‘ear drum’, by the way.  I don’t usually use Latin in my every day doings, but this is a public diary and what better way to come across as learned than to toss about body parts using a dead language or two.  (One has to be careful how one pronounces ‘learned’, for if it comes out in only one syllable, one could wind up looking the exact opposite.)

A terrible earache, it was.  Had me walking into walls, it did.  But that was years ago and not something on which I like to dwell.  So let’s get back to what I was really thinking when I began writing this silly entry:  I write words for songs that don’t exist.
Or maybe they do and I am just not able to recognize them. 

So what would that make me?  A lyricist?  I’m not sure I like that: it sounds too wimpy.  Like ‘florist’ or ‘sadist’.  It’s the ‘ist’ that does it, makes the stupid word sound French.  So what else could I be?  Besides a ‘lyricist’, I mean.  ‘Poet’ maybe?  No, I’m too silly for that.

How about just waiting?

Friday, June 24, 2011

What? No, my name's not Mitch.

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to be famous.

Could I handle it?  Chances are it’s nothing I’ll ever experience.  But I wonder what it would be like being recognized by strangers?

A couple of times I’ve had people coming up to me at the mall confusing me for someone else. (no one famous.  Just the brother of someone they knew in college) I don’t know why, but, for a second at least, it made me feel as though I was wrestling some stranger over the ownership of my face.

I didn’t like that.

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Meet the Fiends Living in my Sock Drawer

Science has known for years that many creatures possess natural compasses that allow them to travel great distances without becoming lost. (Monarch Butterflies, for example. And pigeons.) Mr. Fuzzybuns has a compass. Unfortunately it’s broken, causing Mr. Fuzzybuns to become disoriented going around a corner. Thankfully nature has equipped Mr. F. with prolific bowels, and using the popular children’s tale ‘Hansel and Gretel’ as inspiration, he has learned how to retrace his steps by following the little trail of pellets he so consistently leaves behind.

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Meet the Fiends Living in my Sock Drawer

Lonny will make an effort to always say hello to you, to ask you how you’re doing. Unfortunately this is all an act. You see what he really wants to hear is that you you’ve been recently diagnosed with heart disease and are mere days away from losing your house. So the next time Lonny tells you to have a good weekend, know that what he really means is he hopes you injure yourself falling down the stairs.

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Another Post on the Fiends Living in my Sock drawer

Poppet the kitty puppet might very well be the most frightening of all the weirdos in my sock drawer. Every afternoon from 1 p.m. to to 3:30 p.m. Poppet sings ‘Twinkle Twinkle Little Star’. What’s so scary about that, you ask? The guy holding her is dead.

Sunday, June 19, 2011

Meet the Fiends Living in my Sock Drawer

Being an imp Pubby, is prone to doing naughty things. Nothing catastrophic (like filling a car with seawater and eels), he simply takes great delight in dabbling in the annoying. For example he never flushes the toilet. And he’s always adding drops of Tabasco to the juice in the fridge. His favorite trick is convincing someone to pull his finger and then vomiting all over their shoes.

Friday, June 17, 2011

More Fiends in my Sock Drawer

Clive’s father was a haddock fisherman who’s spare time was spent building sailing ships in bottles. His hobby was all consuming, and when Clive was born, he managed to convince the mother to let him put Clive in a bottle as well. It was a difficult job, and it took over three weeks before Clive’s head was big enough that he couldn’t get out again, but when it was all done, Clive’s father was left with a curiosity worthy of any fisherman’s mantle piece. Unfortunately Clive’s father grew to hate his offspring in a bottle, and one day when I was away in Ontario, he sneaked him into my sock drawer before disappearing off to an island somewhere in the South Pacific. Clive enjoys processed cheese slices and apple wedges.

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Yet Another Post About the Fiends in my Sock Drawer

Never get into a conversation with Mr. Brambles, for talk will inevitably veer towards his disdain for religion. I’ve met outspoken atheists in the past, but none of them compare to Tony. Just the idea that someone else made him is enough to send him shouting, which is strange considering he’s made out of Legos.

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Another Post on the Fiends Living in my Sock drawer

All Randolph seems to do is sit on his very old beanbag and gossip while inhaling bacon sandwiches. A day isn’t complete without someone else’s tale of misfortune for him to wallow around in. The worst part is listening to him say, “That appeals to my sense of humor,” every time someone has something depressing to share. Seriously, out of all the weirdos in my sock drawer, Randolph is the one I would most like to see mauled by my Miniature Pinscher.

Monday, June 13, 2011

Meet the Fiends Living in my Sock Drawer

This is stinky Evan. He’s a nice enough fellow, the only problem is he insists on going to the toilet in my socks, giving them a horrible smell.  Of course, he denies it, but I know it’s him.

Sunday, June 12, 2011

What is my favorite inanimate object? (don't worry, It's a writing prompt.)

That’s funny, I was going to answer my old lab cross buried in the backyard, but I don’t think that’s what I meant.  So instead, I will say: a little lead figure of a pirate I got in an easter egg back when I was only 8 years old.  Oh, the good old days, when you could still find lead objects stuffed inside candy…

Saturday, June 11, 2011


The title to this post is clever, for it isn’t just you I’m welcoming, but me, too.  I know its not kosher to be greeting one’s self like this, but hey, I’m needy and I have no friends.

Anyways, I’m a writer about to publish his first e-book (or any book for that matter) and I’ve just discovered to maximize my selling potential, I need a web presence.  So, here I am, Badger enthusiast and father to two crazy little girls. (crazy in a good way)  I’m skeptical as to whether anyone other than me will actually read this post, but just in case they do: hello!