Saturday, July 9, 2011


This is a watercolor my six year old daughter painted.
It’s of a quartet of plastic gnomes she collects called go-gos.  (at least I think they’re called go-gos.  The font on the package is so stylized it’s quite possible they’re really po-pos.  In which case I will still call them go-gos.)  They come in packages of three, and since each package costs $2.99, that means each go-go costs one dollar.
That seems kind of expensive.  Have you ever seen a go-go?  They’re the size of a molar.  (The bit above the gumline, I mean.  The roots on some those suckers can be quite frightening.)  Having said that, the painting is really cool.  My favorite is the little dude third from the left.  Isn’t he cute?  He looks like he just climbed out his burrow to go for a walk with his friends, saw how shitty the sky looks and is now contemplating going back inside.
I have this idea for a book.  It’s about a badger who reads the want ads in search of employment.  Somehow it never works out.

Friday, July 8, 2011

Excerpt from my novel, 'Escaping Entry'

I’m releasing my debut novel as an e-book in a couple of weeks.  It’s about a young man who is hired to take photographs of an eccentric nobleman murdering monsters.  It’s fantasy, of course, sure to entertain preschool teachers and tattoo artists alike, as well as everyone in between. (but not loan officers.  For some reason they have a hard time enjoying anything with giant horses in them.  Anything else is fine, but put a twelve foot tall horse in your story and you might as well be handing them a manual on microwave ovens.)  So, while I’m getting everything in order, here’s an 854 word sneak peek at the project that gave me a nervous breakdown:
———-
“Good morning!” she said.

Billy smiled.  It always amazed him how cheerful Hailey looked in the morning.  It didn’t matter what the weather was; it could be dark and rainy outside, she still managed to come across as a ray of sunshine.  At least he’d remembered to put on his trousers before moving to the bathroom.  “It’s chilly this morning,” he said, breaking into a yawn.

“It certainly is!  I wore a sweater along with my jacket picking flowers this morning and still I couldn’t get warm!  It’s like winter out there!”

“I know!  When I saw the clouds outside my window I almost didn’t want to get out bed!”  Billy paused, waiting for the inevitable question about how that was different than any other morning, except none came.  “If ever I have a lot of money, I’m going to hire somebody to keep my clothes warm while I’m sleeping.”  This made Hailey laugh.  “I’m serious!  I’d pay someone to sit in a chair all night and wear my clothes so that when I woke up they’d be all warmed up for me.  They would have to remain still of course, so as not to build up any sweat.  I’d probably hire an old person to do it.  You know, someone who just sits around all night and reads.”

“Why not just hang your clothes next to a fire place?  I mean if you had a lot of money you could hire somebody to keep the fire lit.”

Billy was disappointed by her lack of imagination.  “I suppose I could do that,” he said.  “Either that or I could move somewhere warm.   Hey, you haven’t seen my mother, have you?”
“I saw her just before I left to pick flowers.  My goodness, but she’s in a terrible mood.”

Billy winced.
“Don’t worry,” Hailey said.  “It’s not because of you.  It seems somebody’s been stealing our firewood.  Eric was out collecting wood for the dining room and he noticed loads missing from the day before.”

“So that’s what she was yelling about?  For a minute there, I thought it was over something I’d done!”

“No, not this time, I’m afraid,” Hailey said, giving him another smile.  “But isn’t that strange?  Stealing firewood like that?  You’d think with such an abundance of trees there would be no need.”

“It has to be laziness.  Somebody out there decided it would be less work to simply take it than harvest it themselves.  Obviously they didn’t understand they were stealing from a crazy woman.”

Hailey snorted into her armful of flowers.  “Oh, come on,” she laughed.  “Veronica’s not that bad.  Yes, she has a temper, but I’d be angry too if somebody stole from me.  In fact, I am angry!  It bothers me that someone would think it’s acceptable to steal.  Even if it is only firewood.  Oh, and before I forget,” she said, bringing her index finger to her cheek, “your mother told me to remind you to pick up the bed sheets from Bremming’s.”

Now this was something that really irritated Billy.  It was bad enough that Veronica felt it necessary to remind him whenever he had a job to do, but then sending Hailey to do it too?  “I know, I know,” he said, flicking his comb irritably in front of him.  “I was going to go after I had something to eat.  I’ve only just gotten up, you know.”  And just to show how true that statement was, he made a big show of wiping the sleep from one of his eyes.  “Is it just me, or does it seem like we’re sending sheets off to be washed every other day?”

“The beds do get changed every day,” said Hailey.

“But why?   It’s not like there are new people staying here all the time.  It’s the same people staying in the same rooms for weeks at a time.  I don’t see the need for changing their sheets everyday like that.  Take my bed for example.  I’ve had the same sheets on my bed since October, and you don’t see me coming down with any strange diseases.”  The outrage in Billy’s voice turned into embarrassment.  “Did I say October?  I meant March…”

Hailey couldn’t help but smile at Billy’s blushing face.  Mercifully, rather than let him suffer, she chose to steer the conversation towards something she’d heard over breakfast instead.  “Remember last night?” she began, making sure there was no one within earshot.  “When Eric was talking about how they’d found something big?  Well, earlier at breakfast, I was chatting to one of the researchers and he mentioned finding something massive on one of the mountainsides.  It was only a vertebra, but judging from the size, he thinks the creature was of a scale never before dreamed of.”

“How big was it?  The piece of bone, I mean.”

“Fifty feet I think he said.”

“Fifty feet?!?  But that doesn’t seem possible!”

“I’m just repeating what he told me.  You can’t say anything, though.”

Thursday, July 7, 2011

Meet the Fiends Living in my Sock Drawer

I always thought vampires were supposed to be charismatic creatures, or at the very least, frightening.  Mr. Geoffrey Gooms manages to be neither, spending the majority of his time either on twitter or cocooned in a 1970s era sleeping bag in the corner of my sock drawer.   Even the story of how he became a vampire is boring:  he was bitten by a mosquito while weeding.   Or was it a monkey?   Other than that, I know nothing about him: his age, his powers, his views on god; I don’t even know where he gets his blood from.  And to be honest, I don’t really care.

Gloom

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

The kids of Shallowgulch One Room Schoolhouse. (and what befell them)



a: Passed away at the age of 61 from a diet rich in bacon and eggs.

b: Fell out of her home’s second story window only moments after realizing the window ledge on which she’d been relaxing was much narrower than she’d remembered.

c: Believed afternoon naps were much more pleasant when accompanied with a cigarette.

d: Drowned in a swimming hole days after picture was taken. (This photograph was the first one ‘d’ ever appeared in.  Unfortunately it was also his last.)

e: Still alive. Living in a retirement home in Modesto California. Is both deaf and blind.  Can’t remember the names of her children.  (Or that she even has any) Relives her 9th birthday every morning from about 10:30 until noon. (that’s when sandwiches and juice are served)

f: Shot to death by police during botched bank robbery attempt.

g: Drowned to death. (was very fond of ‘drinkies in the pool’)

h: Lived twenty years under power lines. Succumbed to brain cancer in the spring of 1952.

i: Survived 5 strokes. Wasn’t so lucky with number 6. (nicknamed ‘Rasputin’)

j: smallpox

k: smallpox

l: smallpox

m: trampled to death by herd of cows. (never underestimate the speed of a startled bovine)

n: stabbed to death by jealous husband.

o: smallpox

p: stepped on a German mine (last words happened to be, “I’d hate to step on a mine”)

q:killed by German sniper during Great War.

r: Rabies. (never pick up a possum. No matter how cuddly they might appear)

s: smallpox

t: ‘Accidentally’ stabbed in the eye with a pen nib. (Never argue with an angry calligrapher)

u: smallpox

v: Throat cancer. (might have been the cigars.  Could have been the pipe)

x: hung self from rafter in barn after smothering neighbor with goose down pillow. (Family still not sure if instances were related.)

y: smallpox

z: Heart gave out while reading obituary section of the newspaper. (twenty-five years later and he’s still the butt of jokes around the family dinner table)

1: Passenger on the Hindenburg. (“Hey, I got the window seat!”)

2: Struck by bus.  (Always cross at crosswalks, and never race traffic.  Especially if you’re blessed with arthritic knees and can’t get around without a cane)

3: Drowned to death in toilet bowl.

4: Got up from the dinner table one day, walked out the front door, and was never heard from again.

5: Drowned while fishing.

6: smallpox

7: Mauled to death by pack of vicious Springer Spaniels.

8: Shot to death. (by #9 in the picture)

9: Electric Chair.

10: Poisoned by grandchildren.  (if you happen to be fabulously wealthy, make sure you don’t have kids)

11: Invented Cold Fusion.  Died on way to patent office after anvil mysteriously fell on his head.

12: shot by Germans.  (during vacation in Scotland in 1958 )

13: Lung Cancer. ( “This asbestos is swell.  I’m glad I have a job where I actually get to work with the stuff!”)

14: Heart attack.